Sunday, August 30, 2009

Seeing dots

Mari's new dress. It's really floaty and very simple. I finished it after months of hibernation.

BIG smile!

Looking out over the Chao Phraya.


I finally broke down and talked to the Mr. about all the shit we're in money, distance, my inability to trust him to take care of us etc. It was hard. I pride myself on being able to take care of me with out anyone's help, so it was tough saying that I needed him to be here or at least be there for me as much as he can even if he's all the way over in Japan.

I feel like we haven't talked for so long. I feel like I've only just now been able to let go and tell him everything. Even though I've always believed in being honest to one' partner about everything in a relationship, the distance and the sheer amount of other problems prevented me from talking to him. I always thought he might not be able to handle it somehow. Like it would only trouble him more because he's by himself, far from home. Stupid stupid stupid. I know. The worst part is that I knew all along. It turned out that honesty, as always, is the best way to go.

We finally connected after so many weeks of just mumbling hellos through skype. I finally felt a crack in my armor. A trickle of feelings I thought I no longer had in me. Do you remember the bit about how the frost melted and winter crept away from Narnia? It felt just like that.

I think we're on the right path.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Gathering my thoughts.

Thanks to all who have commented and e-mailed me. Rock bottom is not so bad. It's scary admitting that you've arrived there but once you have time to look around and try to find your footing it isn't as bad as one would think. There are some bits of sky to be seen, even from here.

This week I managed to finish a dress I was making for Mari which had been hibernating for months. We then took a walk to the river together and I took some pics of her. I'll post it soon. It's a really simple wrap dress, but I've just been so busy with work and home that I didn't have the time or concentration to finish it.

Work has been good. I finished all my paper work on time for the end of the term and we now have one delicious week of vacation ahead of us. Today was the last working day of this term and we cleaned out the classroom and organised. I got to spend most of the day making primary colored stuff out of recycled cardboard boxes, paper tubes, construction paper, and colored tape. It was so satisfying. It's strange how simple crafts like this fills you with simple happiness. I don't think I ever got over the crafting-with-house-hold-stuff addiction I picked up reading highlights back in the 80's. I made a colored pencil holder from left over toilet paper tubes and I organised all the posters for the boards and put them in old cardboard boxes wrapped up and illustrated.

There are still moments when I still need to breath in to a brown paper bag, and moments when I still don't know what the next step will be. But I'm finding warm and happy bits here too,strange rocky bottom that it is

Sunday, August 16, 2009

rock bottom

My life has hit rock bottom.Let's just say I'm in a lot of trouble. But I'm trying to dig my way out.




See you when I reach the other side.